


Gold

by Lazarus163



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Awesome Bobby Singer, Benny Is In Recovery, Benny Is Sad, Bipolar Dean Winchester, Bipolar Disorder, Brief Castiel/Dean, Chronic Illness, Dean Is Also Sad, Dean Winchester Has Abandonment Issues, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean is a Carrier, Depression, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Health Issues, Homophobic John Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Being an Asshole, M/M, Mpreg, Nurse Dean Winchester, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Abuse, Past Drug Use, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Benny Lafitte, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, dark themes, re-kindled romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:27:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24943090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazarus163/pseuds/Lazarus163
Summary: Finding one's way back home is never easy- especially not after having to literally uproot one's entire life to do so. It had been 7 long years since Dean had stepped foot in Massachusetts. While not a native it had been more of a home than Kansas ever was to him and his family when they moved there his senior year of high school. And Dean had to admit being home wasn't as bad as he remembered. Going to get coffee (a normal morning routine for himself) ended up turning into one of the most confusing and draining experiences of his life.----Benny never thought that he would see Dean again- let alone be in the same space as him. But when the bell over the door rang signaling his first costumer of the day Benny was ready with a warm smile which was quickly replaced with a look of shock. Standing in front of the door was Dean- the man he had driven away- who was looking back at him with equal puzzlement."Benny?""Hey there, Cher."
Relationships: Benny Lafitte/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester (briefly)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 38





	1. Hid and Seek

**Author's Note:**

> So some things; am I ever gonna finish my other fics? Yes, Yes I am- when I'm ready and can find myself able to actually kick myself in the ass to do so. I feel bad letting any project sit there but literally I get hella bad writers block but I do finish them... eventually. Now that I've got that covered- 
> 
> This is a song fic, the title song of the story is: Gold, by Trixie Mattel and each chapter is gonna be a song title and link attached to the song that corresponds. 
> 
> This really probably wouldn't be a fic of mine if it didn't have drama and babies so lets all just pretend this a picturesque world where men can also have babies through biology instead of other special things, these men are called Carrier's (I have no idea where I would have come up with this but I reallly feel like I read something using the term carrier for this exact thing a long while back)
> 
> I am gonna warn here as well as in the tags- this fic is gonna be kind of heavy. It deals with really heavy themes like addiction and mental illness as well as health issues and just generally this shitty thing we call the human experience, so be for warned right now that this fic will be dark as hell in some places. 
> 
> This fic takes place in 2020 but in this universe this pandemic never happened and things sucked less. 
> 
> Lastly, I genuinely hope all of you are safe with all the crazy things going on in our world right now. I hope you and your families are staying safe and that you are all well as can be. 
> 
> This first chapter is titled "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMpED13pLNg

**_Where are we? What the hell is going on?_ **

**_The dust has only just begun to fall,_ **

**_Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling._ **

**_Spin me 'round again and rub my eyes._ **

**_This can't be happening._ **

**_When busy streets amass with people_ **

**_Would stop to hold their heads heavy._ **

**_Hide and seek._ **

**_Trains and sewing machines._ **

**_All those years they were here first._ **

  
\----------  
  


_ “Then this can’t work!” The words fell past his lips and he willed himself to ignore the twisting of his gut as he watched sadness take blue eyes that still held some flame for him. The frown that took the man’s face in front of him made his heart clench and his stomach flip.  _

_ “Now darlin’-“  _

_ “Damn it don’t you see what's wrong here?”  _

_ “I’m afraid I don’t,” he answered.  _

_ “No?” Scoffing he shook his head and clenched his jaw. Dean felt a sneer form on his lips. “Then that’s the problem, Benny.” He shook his head and went to move past him but Benny’s hand caught his arm.  _

_ “I think I’m owed an explanation-“  _

_ “Let go of my arm,” he said calmly. “Ben-“ he pleaded again and Benny released his arm before Dean once again looked at him. He could smell the whiskey on his breath, see the dilation of his pupils in the dim light of his soon to be exes apartment. The faintest traces of white powder were trapped in the burly man's beard.  _

_ “Then answer me this: did you use tonight? Answer me honestly and you get your explanation.” Benny opened his mouth once, then twice, and third time before it became a thin line of annoyance- his response being a curt nod ‘yes’. “I can’t do this anymore, I won’t. You’re reckless: you’re an addict, you lie to everyone about who you truly are, you cheat… and I had myself so convinced that it was just a symptom. Something- something that I could fix. But I was wrong.”  _

_ “Reckless?” Benny scoffed,  _

_ “That’s the thing you pick out!” Dean hollered, “not that I know you’ve been cheating on me? Not that you’re a whole drug addict who is so deep in the closet he's finding Christmas presents his parents lost when he was fucking seven! Damn it Benny, ask me again why I’m leaving. Ask me again why I can’t spend another damn second worrying night and day about you. Ask me again why I don’t wanna be your  _ **_secret_ ** _ anymore.” He turned and opened the door only to feel Benny’s hand come and grab his shoulder hard. “Let. Go.” Dean said in a low voice,  _

_ “You don’t just get to decide this is over-“  _

_ “Yes. I do. Now get your hands off me, please.” Dean said quietly, “1. 2,” on three Dean kicked backwards and heard the tell tale “oof” that his heel connected with his stomach and he felt the crushing grip on his shoulder loosen enough for him to make it into the hallways and turn to face Benny who was knelt puking on the ground. “Ask me again why I can’t stay,” tears spilled over as he felt his shoulder ache. He knew Benny sober was a different animal. A kind and sweet man but this Benny wasn’t. This Benny was rude and damn near abusive. “Maybe one day we can be friends but right now you need to figure out your shit.”  _

_ “I ain’t got nothing to figure out.” Dean nodded and turned on his heel and started walking away. Maybe out of his own hurt or something vindictive in his own mind he took his own jab at Benny as he walked down the hallway- calling over his shoulder;  _

_ “Is that what you tell, Andrea?”  _

__ **_7 YEARS LATER-_ **

“Hmm?” Dean hummed in response to his friend- a well worm tactic that most of his friends knew to mean he hadn’t heard a single thing they had said. Her brows furrowed, 

“I  _ said _ , did you hear that Gaga is playing Maine State Pier tonight?” 

“No I didn’t but I do now,” Charlie glared at him, “what?” 

“What? What do you mean what? You  **love** Gaga, Dean.” Dean pursed his lips, “you, the man who sobbed loudly during a “Star is Born” doesn’t wanna go see her live with his bubbly best friend?” 

“Now I didn’t say that-“ 

“You’re thinking it,” she was right as usual. Charlie had a particular way of reading him that would make his therapist jealous- and it often did. “Come on dude, do it for me.” Dean rolled his eyes but not nodded.

“You’re lucky I love you, Bradbury.” 

“I know” she responded with a cheeky grin. 

* * *

Dean pursed his lips as he felt the familiar tug of anxiety pull at his stomach. He didn’t do social situations well which was ironic seeing as his job demanded person to person interaction his entire shift. Maybe being a nurse is what had turned him off to social situations or maybe it was his genuine mistrust of people, but concerts were a different animal compared to his job. His job where when there wasn’t a patient in crisis (or god forbid he was put on rotation in the emergency room) was tame. Giving night time medicine and occasionally calling the on-call doctor to prescribe narcotics or solumedrol and spending the rest of the night doing periodic room checks. Definitely tame in comparison to the loud crowded venue of concerts. 

“Dean?” Dean looked up to see his boyfriend standing before him, 

“Hey, babes.” He muttered as he rubbed at his eyes; how the hell was he awake? He worked the night shift and then went to breakfast with Charlie where she had dumped on him that she had gotten the tickets. 

“Watcha doin?” 

“Waiting for Charlie, she got tickets to see Gaga and managed to rope me in.” Dean shook his head, “how was work?” With a huff he sat next to Dean and leaned against him, 

“Tiring,” he murmured. “I was in three different surgeries today and someone coded on the table. A Resident got told to do chest compression, the guy is alive but the Resident broke three of his ribs.” 

“Oh shit,” Dean slung his arm around his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cas.” Cas just sighed in annoyance, 

“Guess it’s the nature of the job,” Cas rolled his eyes. “Wish you coulda called me on lunch to tell me you weren’t gonna be around tonight.” 

“I’m sorry, babe. I forgot,” Cas nodded, 

“You always do,” Cas deadpanned which sent a pang of hurt through Dean’s chest. “Look, I’m tired I’m gonna go crash.” As Cas brushed past him Dean couldn’t stop the words that had been forming for months now, 

“Are you mad at me about something?” Cas stopped at the door, “Cas the last few months- and tell me if I’m being crazy- but you’ve gotten… kind of mean. Are you okay? Did I do something because if I did I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me.” Dean turned to see Cas subtly shake his head and roll his eyes with a sneer before walking into the apartment and closing the door. Dean couldn’t fight the sadness that crept across his skin like small pulses of electricity. 

“Okay,” he nodded and bit his cheek as he turned from the door and immediately pulled out his phone and began typing a message to Charlie; 

**_Dean: come early I’m about to freak_ **

**_Charlie: Why- what’s going on?_ **

**_Dean: It doesn’t matter but I know I am about to fight Cas and his bad attitude. Please…_ **

**_Charlie: Omw_ **

Dean pocketed his phone as he tried to sort his anger. Did Cas basically just break up with him without saying it? Was he back to the delusional state he had left behind years ago after getting on head meds and going through therapy? Was it… was it all in his head? He didn’t know- the doctor did warn him his birth control might make him a little sensitive sure- but… this didn’t seem like irrational sensitivity- he saw Cas’ sneer and roll of his eyes to Dean’s question. He’d felt the attitude and mental games Cas had been playing for months. He didn’t understand why- why instead of saying things clearly weren’t working he’d rather become cold and distant and manipulate the situations to make Dean feel crazy- like he was reading between the lines too much. 

Dean scrubbed a hand over his face and sighed as he felt his eyes sting. Sure maybe he was a little unstable. Dean couldn’t remember the last time he was this close to tears over a man… well actually he could -roughly seven years ago to be precise- but that Dean was as good as dead. 

Lost in thought he didn’t hear Charlie’s Prius pull up in front of him nor her get out of the car. 

“Hey, dude.” She said quietly causing Dean to snap his head up. He felt the wetness on his face and groaned in annoyance swiping at the tears with his hand. 

* * *

Dean was really enjoying himself more than he thought he would. Charlie had her phone at the ready to take snapchat’s of her and Dean’s adventure. The opening notes of “Rain on Me” played and the audience around them cheered loudly. 

“DEAN!” Charlie shouted over the crowd, 

“YEAH?” 

“CASTIEL NOVAK WHO?” Dean laughed and continued to listen to the song as it played, moving his head and his body to the music. Not really being able to relate to some of the lyrics as his “problem” with alcohol wasn't heavy drinking all the time it was on the rare occasions he drank that he would go overboard and be sick for days after which was happening as the show went on. He’d already spent at least $100 on drinks (not hard to do when the venue was pricing their alcohol at 12 dollars a beer and 14 a shot) but he deserved to be spoiled. 

“Welcome my good friend Ariana Grande!” Dean had never heard a crowd lose their shit quite like when Ariana stepped on stage to perform the song with Gaga- a welcome treat seeing as there was nothing in the concert info saying this little thing would be happening. He felt his phone buzz and he took the briefest moment to look at the text. 

**_Cas: mmm sounds good_ **

Dean almost raised an eyebrow but didn’t pay it mind remembering the last text he had sent was about dinner the next day. He pocketed his phone as the song came to an end and Gaga hugged her featured artist before calling a small intermission to prepare for the other half of the concert. 

* * *

On the car ride back Dean was silent for the most part. The alcohol in his system made him feel foggy as Charlie took the exit going back to his apartment. He knew in the back of his brain that he needed to break up with Cas. The relationship was going nowhere good and Dean needed to swallow his ungodly fear of loneliness before things turned bad. He opened his phone and called Cas. His phone went straight to voicemail and Dean sighed as he ;listened to the monotonous greeting. 

“Hey, Cas… I’ll be home in half an hour- we need to talk.” He hung up the phone and saw Charlie eyeing him from the side. “What?” 

“You finally gonna leave his ass?” She questioned, taking her eyes off the road briefly. Dean was quiet for a few minutes, really mulling his answer over. How did you tell your best friend that you were kind of scared of your boyfriend’s temper. 

“Yeah… the relationship isn’t going anywhere and honestly Charlie… I’m a little scared he’s gonna snap and hurt me when I can’t stop him.” He said quietly, 

“Has he threatened you?” The concern in her voice eased Dean a little about his decision, 

“No,” he shook his head. “Cas knows damn well if i were awake and alert I’d put him through a wall if he tried anything… which really gives my anxiety about the situation more credibility-” he scoffed at the fear. Maybe he was overreacting but if true crime dramas had taught him anything it’s that when your partner starts acting like Cas had been you need to be ready for something bad to happen. Call it paranoia- call it being  _ conditioned-  _ but he felt something in the pit of his stomach. 

“De-” 

“Charlie- I know I sound ridiculous… but you know why I am feeling this way.” She nodded slowly, “after moving out here… I was in a bad place- my first “boyfriend”” he said in air quotes, “I-I should have realized the warning signs with Cas.” 

“You’ll be okay Dean,” she said in a quiet voice. “And if you’re not- I’ll ruin Cas’ entire life.” 

* * *

Dean walked up the steps to his apartment and took a deep breath as he stepped across the threshold and into the kitchen. He took his jacket off and hung it on the rack and toed off his shoes, slowly making his way farther into the apartment. 

“Cas?” He called; hearing nothing he frowned. Even after a long day at work Cas should be awake. His phone being off was one thing but this was different. “Cas?” He tried again as he moved to the bedroom. He opened the door and immediately regretted it before feeling a healthy combination of anger and hurt. Cas was draped across the back of another man slowly pumping his hips. “Sorry to interrupt.” Dean said loudly causing both men to jump, 

“Dean-” 

“Wanna introduce me to your friend?” Dean said folding his arms trying to keep his anger at bay; Cas swallowed thickly. “That’s what I thought,  _ honey _ .” Dean spit out, his voice dripping with venom. Cas got off the guy and the guy immediately picked his clothes up and put them on. “You know he had a boyfriend?” 

“No, his profile on grindr said he’s single,” the guy said. Dean nodded and bit his cheek,

“You need a cab or can you walk? I’d feel bad for the son of a bitch who sees the fight about to happen,” Dean said calmly. He wasn’t mad at the other guy’s involvement- seeing as he was also glaring at Cas. 

“I’m just gonna step out and get an Uber,” Dean nodded and watched him walk out. After he heard the downstairs door close Dean slowly turned to Cas who was just now putting his pants on. 

“Dean-” 

“How long,” Dean cut him off. Cas stayed silent and Dean watched the stubbornness cross his face, “Damn it Cas,  **_how long have you been cheating on me_ ** !” 

“I can explain-” Dean held up a hand, his glare causing the shorter man to stop speaking altogether. 

“Give me your phone,  _ now _ .” 

“No,” 

“No? Why, think I’m gonna see something you don’t want me to?” 

“Why can’t you believe me. Don't you believe me when I’ve said “I love you”?” 

“Are you fucking serious! I walk in on you balls deep in some guy and that’s what you come out with? Give me your phone you manipulative dick.” Dean snapped and watched Cas’ jaw tick as he walked over to the night stand and got his phone before reluctantly handing it to Dean. Powering it on Dean grabbed Cas’ hand and used his thumb print and immediately opened grindr. 

“Dean before you-” 

“No,” Dean said as he opened the messages. “Go through, tell them you are a cheating piece of shit or I will- would you look at that  _ some of these low life dicks know you had a boyfriend. _ ”

“Oh that’s enough! Can you blame me?!” Cas shouted and grabbed his phone back and locked the screen. “With the way you’re acting right now it should be obvious why I cheated on you.” Dean’s eyes widened, 

“Excuse me?” Cas scoffed and got in his face, 

“You heard me,” Dean rolled his ehyes and pushed Cas back lightly. 

“So tell me; after months of you treating me like shit- getting mad at me over every little thing I do that isn’t having my lips wrapped around your cock or having dinner ready for you- you are going to have the  _ audacity _ to  **BLAME ME FOR YOU BEING A HOE** !” Dean screamed, 

“You think it’s easy living with you?” Cas bit out, “you think you’re just a breath of sunshine huh? The biggest mistake of my life was ever asking you out,” 

“Then tell me. Tell me actually what I did,” Dean said quietly. 

“You didn’t perform when I asked- you wanted more and I didn’t- you are just  _ wrong _ .” 

“Perform? I’m not a dog doing tricks, Cas, I’m a person.” 

“A person?” Cas scoffed, “last time I checked most men can’t have babies but here I am finding one out of the 10,000 men in America who can. You’re not a person, Dean, you’re a freak.” Dean felt like he’d been punched in the stomach. “You should be grateful that anyone has ever seen anything worthwhile in you. This last year and a half? You’ve been nothing more to me than a warm body to come home to and a hole to fuck.” Dean felt sick as he nodded slowly- the voice of his father booming in his head more so than ever. 

The words “freak” and “abomination” were words he was used to hearing after he turned 13 and started puberty. 

“I-” 

“No, Dean. Don’t bother opening your mouth if my cock isn’t going insid-” Dean did something he knew he’d regret later because he swore a long time ago he’d never be the one to hurt someone just because they hurt him but Cas pushed him past his breaking point. Dean slammed him into the wall as hard as he could and he heard the plaster crack around Cas’ back. He knew his eyes were wild in the dim light but he hoped the message got across. 

“I’m not gonna be talked to like that-” Dean’s voice came out a whimper- sure he was angry but damn did everything Cas say open old wounds. Tears fell from his eyes, “I have given you everything I am and this is what I get? Verbally abused and manipulated and gas-lighted for months…” 

“It’s what you deserve,” Dean shook his head and stepped back a bit and damn near smirked when he saw Cas wince and clutch his shoulder. 

“How- how do I deserve this? I have done nothing to you-” Dean stopped himself. He looked at Cas and took a deep breath- “you know what? It doesn’t matter.” He wiped at his eyes, “we’re over. Get whatever you can pack right now and get the fuck out of my apartment and lose my number. All your shit will be on the porch tomorrow. I don’t wanna look at you, I don’t wanna hear your voice. You have five minutes- and if you ain't out by then I’m callin' the cops and I’m getting you removed.” Dean didn’t understand why or how he still felt so betrayed when his intentions were to get home and break up with Cas but as he watched Cas pack his things he couldn’t stop the small sob that left his lips. 

\----------

**_Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth._ **

**_Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs._ **

**_Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you._ **

**_You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit._ **


	2. Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reflects on his relationship with Cas and comes to bitter realization upon discovering a picture of them when he thought that they were "happy".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOp sorry for the slight delay. I promised yesterday but I got busy but ya know 1am technically 2 days later works for me too.
> 
> This chapter is titled "Butterflies" after the song "Butterflies" By: Gabbie Hanna 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XP2IkGnToNg

**_I knew who you were from the start_ **

**_I just hoped you'd prove me wrong_ **

**_I could spend all year just letting down my guard_ **

**_While you're stringing me along_ **

**_Gave it our best shot but we just missed the mark_ **

**_Sad to say, our love is gone_ **

**_I could spend all day just picking you apart_ **

**_But instead I'll write a song_ **

**_It'll go_ **

**_Ooh, ooh_ **

**_Ooh, so instead I'll write a song_ **

\----------

**3 Weeks Later**

Dean let his mind wander as he cleared his work locker. It had been just over three weeks and he still felt the same soul crushing disparity he felt the night he returned from the concert with Charlie. He didn’t know how or why he ignored things with Cas so well- their relationship had been nothing but a game to the man. He even said as much. He viewed Dean as nothing more than a hole to fuck at the end of the day. How could he be so stupid? He groaned in frustration as he folded his scrubs and put them in his bag. 

“Dean?” Dean was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of his name, he turned to face the voice's owner. Before him stood his boss, a sad look in her eyes. 

“Oh, don’t start on me, Donna.” Dean said with a small smile in return, 

“You sure you have to go? You’re one of our best nurses,” when Dean saw the tears in her eye’s he felt a pang of guilt but shocked his head and pulled her into a hug. 

“I’m sure-” he said, a sad air taking his voice. “But this isn’t goodbye forever, alright? I’m only gonna be five or six hours away.” She sighed, 

“One more powdered doughnut in the conference room for old times?” Dean chuckled and nudged her with his shoulder, 

“A woman after my own heart.” 

* * *

After a surprise “We’ll miss you” party and a few tears shed, Dean made his way home. His apartment was practically bear- his entire life packed away in brown boxes and large white totes. There really wasn’t much left for him to pack he noted while surveying the rest of his apartment with earnest making sure nothing small had been forgotten. Gone from the walls were the pictures of his friends and family he still talked to- knickknacks and memories from the last seven years now safely packed in bubble wrap and loose new paper. He took a moment to sit on the couch, mulling over the last few months. He was bitter- he was _angry_. How and why he allowed Cas to treat him as poorly as he did Dean didn’t have an answer for. How he allowed him to gaslight and manipulate and control him for so long.

From the beginning of the relationship Dean had figured they were on a crash course to failure… but he had ignored that feeling- had shoved it down and buried it deep because if he was being honest with himself he thought he could _fix_ Cas. Show him that someone did care about him and how he felt- that he was going to _be there_ for him when he needed it… And now Dean understood why when he had run into Castiel’s ex the man said to “be careful” and to “watch his back” because Castiel is “the biggest piece of shit I have ever met”. And, like the idiotic and lonely person he is- Dean ignored his warning and went home and asked Cas about it to which Cas said, “oh, he’s just crazy!”

And Dean ate up the lies right from the palm of his hand like a horse taking oats. To hell with caution, right? To hell with it when it was becoming obvious Dean’s friends did not like the man and neither did his mother or brother. He ignored the fact that even Castiel’s own friends tried to warn him against the relationship. His own need for attention- his need for validation and need to not be alone had put him square in a relationship that he was not sure how it hadn’t turned violent.

He damn near smacked himself for believing so many bull faced lies for so long. Believing that the smells of another’s cologne on his clothes was just a new one he was trying out to see if Dean liked it or not. Was convinced by Cas that the love marks were from the last time he and Dean had sex. Managed to completely and utterly make Dean believe his fears and concern were invalid and that he was crazy, and again. he believed him. Fell for all his lies and half truths hook-line-and-sinker. And here he sat, feeling the real grips of insanity slowly taking hold.

Dean wasn’t raised to bed naïve- oh no. He was raised to believe the exact opposite and to not trust people. John Winchester’s paranoia from seeing war had been a crux of Dean’s trust issues growing up, but it had also been the main cause of his abuse. Abuse he could still rarely think on outside the walls of his therapist’s office. So maybe that is where it came from. His near _prolific_ need to seek validation and safety in an older man because the lack of acceptance and love he had experienced as a child. Cliché as it might seem- a gay man with daddy issues- but he had to give it some credence even it wasn’t the entire truth. He abruptly stood and moved into the kitchen- taking a water out of the fridge and the last of his Latuda for the next week or so until he switched pharmacies.

He almost choked on the pill at the scoff of irony that rose in his throat as he swallowed carefully- taking a second-generation anti-psychotic for a legitimate and serious mental illness after spending literal months believing he was crazy. Believing he could fix the man he loved. Only- Castiel didn’t love him. Never had. He wielded love like a weapon and used it to pacify any situation Dean had doubts about and damn it if Dean hadn’t believed him.

He rolled his eyes- **believe** \- there was that fucking word again. Never could he understand his need to see the good in everyone even if he did it blindly and it came at the cost of his very own mental well-being. What good is therapy for complex psychological trauma when you’re being mentally abused? What good are the synthetic hormones and chemicals he takes on a daily to keep himself sane when he is starting to believe he is crazy?

Well- he couldn’t fine an answer as he gaped at the Oxcarbazepine and Lamotrigine within the palm of his hand. To little tiny pills controlled so much of his life. They allowed him to hold a job- kept his mania and depressive episodes in relative check and he had no doubt they had given him the where with all not to have seriously injured Cas the night he caught him in bed with the other man.

Ahh yes, the other man, who had showed up at Dean’s apartment the next day with muffins and few other items trying to right a wrong even when Dean didn’t feel he should have tried to make right- as it simply wasn’t his fault. They talked and ate the muffins and drank coffee- both universally deducing that Castiel was a garbage human and ending the day on a hug- one that caused Dean to cry.

_“Well- I know in hindsight this won’t help but… you were ready to break up with him, right?” Dean nodded and wiped at his eyes,_

_“I’ve been trying to tell myself that it would make it easier- but it hasn’t. I just… I feel betrayed.”_

Now that it had almost been a month, he still felt the feelings of betrayal and hurt well inside him whenever he thought about the blue-eyed man in question. How they had awkwardly run into each other as they worked in the same hospital- how Dean had started avoiding his favorite coffee shop because the owner was one of the very few of Cas’ friends who believed Cas over Dean and what happened in their break up. Every small thing involving Castiel Novak had snowballed into an accumulative cluster fuck that had Dean ready to go packing- and it did. After Castiel had stopped him at work all but _demanding_ Dean bring him the rest of his things that he refused to get Dean had not only gotten written up but also sent home for the day due to the break down he had in front of half the staff.

That day, the literal moment he had walked through the door of his apartment, he got online and found a great apartment in Westminster MA- big, in good condition and something he could comfortably live in by himself and not have to be too far from Worcester where the hospital he would transfer to would be, but without having to live in the city itself. He’d call it a win-win.

He shook his head and finished taking his medication before moving out of the kitchen and back into the living room; he stared at the couch with disgust. He and Castiel had shared their first kiss on that couch and Dean decided then and there he would leave it behind- not wanting to poison his new space with bad energy. For the briefest of moments looking at all his things in bland boxes, meticulously labeled and sorted- he felt as though his life was over. That him moving marked the end of his own life in a sense. Everything he had worked so tirelessly for. Every ounce of blood sweat and tears he had put into his _fight_ for his own independence… and he threw it all away because he couldn’t be alone.

He moved across the room to one more box that needed to be filled and got to work with an indignant sigh- deciding he would be better off to bite the bullet than stand there in angry silence. Shoving the rest of the decorations from the bookshelf in a box he muttered angrily to himself.

“Fuckin’ Cas, make me feel crazy for months. Make me _hate_ myself,” he threw a heavy amber crystal he had found in Washington state when he and Charlie had gone two years ago into the box and heard something shatter. “Oh, I will show you fucking crazy alright!” He threw another heavier object in the box and immediately heard whatever had shatter crunch under its weight causing him to take pause for the moment. He sighed and slowly and carefully took out object after object and he groaned at the sight of the picture. Apparently drunk Dean missed Cas enough to have put the last remaining photograph of them together safely at the bottom of the box. Dean rolled his eyes, not understanding why his subconscious wouldn’t let it all go. As he took note of the picture Dean just shook his head and tossed it aside before sliding his back down the wall and outing his hands on either side of his head as he tried to will away the cluster headache that started to come on at the stress seeing the photo caused.

It was them in Egypt- Dean took Cas there last year for his birthday, and it had been a time where Dean had readily believed they were good. Genuinely happy. Low and behold Cas… Cas wasn’t capable of happy. Of love. Hell, Cas said it himself- said that Dean was just a warm body to come home to and a hole to fuck. Said that his problem with Dean was that he couldn’t _preform_. Dean felt tears leave his eyes and the feeling of thick emotion make his throat feel tight as a mixture of past insecurities and anxieties coiled in his belly creating a feeling of dread that crawled up his throat and made his mouth salivate with veracity. He felt the tell-tale signs of an anxiety attack coming on just thinking about how he was treated the night everything fell through and before he knew it, he was dry heaving.

His body wretched as more tears left his eyes- his body trying to desperately dump the feeling of dread- trying to dump the anxiety. But all it did was worsen the headache and make Dean feel like he may pass out if it didn’t pass. As he settled and wiped at the remains of the tears that stained his cheeks he settled on one thing about himself… on some level he knew Castiel was a bad ,man… and on some level… Dean wanted that. Maybe- just sometimes- Dean _enjoyed_ the pain.

\----------

**_Butterflies, Butterflies_ **

**_Butterflies will break your heart_ **

**_But if I, But if I_ **

**_But if I knew from the start_ **

**_Why would I, why would I_ **

**_Why would I give this a try?_ **

**_Maybe I, maybe I_ **

**_Maybe I like to hurt sometimes_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope ya'll enjoyed this chapter


	3. Head Above Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has funny way of showing one to slow down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I didn't forget about this fic just to clear up any question you may have. Had to get a medical procedure done followed by a new battery for my laptop so instead of doing an annoying "update coming soon" chapter that'd get deleted later I left this in purgatory until I could write again so I am back at a semi regular (?) basis. Hope you enjoy
> 
> This chapter is Titled “Head Above Water” after the Avril Lavigne song of the same name https://youtu.be/EKF6ghfcQic

**_I've gotta keep the calm before the storm_ ** **_  
_ **

**_I don't want less, I don't want more  
_ **

**_Must bar the windows and the doors  
_ **

**_To keep me safe, to keep me warm_ **

* * *

The drive from Maine to Westminster MA was a little brutal on Dean- but he was glad to be doing it. He was finally going home, he had his best friend by his side for the next month while he got settled in, and most importantly- he felt free.

As a song by “The Pretty Reckless” blared through the speakers of the U-HAUL he felt no cares in the world as he barreled down the highway- windows down as he shouted the lyrics to the song. He eyed Charlie who sat in the passenger seat looking slightly queasy as he dipped and weaved through lanes to get out in front of cars.

“You okay, Red?” Charlie rolled her eyes at the nickname but shook her head as an answer.

“Dude you know I’m not, passenger’s seat’s make me sick. Therefore, **_I need to drive everywhere_**. The fact I haven’t puked yet is for the sake of your security deposit on this thing.” She grumbled as she blasted the a/c- trying to get the churning in her stomach to abate some.

“Don’t worry, sis-“ he did his best not chuckle at his own vernacular. Most people never looked at Dean and thought “gay” let alone that he was a bottom who used words like “sis” and “yas” from time to time. “We’ll be there in 30 minutes, alright? If you need to get out and stretch your legs- there is a rest stop right up here.” She nodded grimly and Dean sighed as he stepped off the gas a little and stopped weaving through lanes. As they pulled into the rest-stop, she jumped out of the truck and he heard her retching and instantly he felt guilt while he killed the engine.

“I’m-I’m driving the rest of the way-“ she muttered as she heaved again. “I don’t know why I didn’t drive down in my car!”

“I’m sorry, baby girl.” He said in a sad voice, 

“I know… But next time we do something like this I am driving, or you are driving alone, okay?” He nodded as he stood straight,

“Yep,” He spied a vending machine and sighed. “You want a water?”

“Ermm… I’m gonna go to the bathroom and make that decision after I pee.”

* * *

Dean was struck by how little the town had changed over the last 7 years. Sure, he hadn’t lived in Westminster, but he had spent enough time there at friend’s houses and at his Uncle Bobby’s that the town was familiar enough to him that he could tell there was no change. The small grocery store that sat in the center of town was still there- as well as the Dunkin Donuts that was attached to a yoga studio- a yoga studio Dean still wasn’t sure saw any use. Turning right off Main Street and pulling into the driveway of his apartment he smiled and looked over at Charlie.

“Here we are!” He exclaimed,

“Damn dude! Is the entire building yours?” He nodded with a smile. It was a bit smaller than the place he had in Maine, but it was better suited for just him.

“It’s more of a town house but it’ll do for just me and when I have company.” She nodded as they stepped out of the truck,

‘What about your car?” He shrugged,

“Bought a new one- don’t think the damn thing could have made the trip from Maine to here in one piece,” he answered with a shrug. She shook her head at his response but said nothing. Soon the landlord had come and went and with the keys to his new life in hand he- with Charlie’s help- began to slowly move things into the apartment.

* * *

All in all, the move went well. By week two he felt completely settled in- having seen his mother twice now and a very awkward and brief conversation with his father, Dean was glad to be home. Westminster was a quiet and sleepy town and it made him feel at peace as he walked the streets to the café in town. The café he had heard nothing but praise about from a few of his new coworkers that lived in town- and it was generally the talk of the town itself. “Lagniappe Café and Cajun Grill”- Dean would say that the name was wordy, yet it did hold some appeal. Real Cajun food that was served from a coffee shop. He mused as he made his way up Main street and towards the juncture of 2A and 140 North that Benny had that idea once.

He shook his head as he repeated the name in his head, ‘Benny’. He had rarely thought of Benny in the last 7 years. It was… still a sore spot in his heart. He wouldn’t lie when he had said that Benny was the first romantic partner he had ever loved. He had seen a future with him that he never saw before him and never again after. Some might say that they were soulmates- because when Benny wasn’t drowning a sad life in booze and cocaine, he was a genuinely wonderful man. One who thought of others and was ready and willing to help someone. But… as it always did- the drugs and the alcohol became a priority and it made Dean realize that he had been a secret to the man. And that had hurt.

Shaking his head, he made his way into the Café and damn near ran out when he saw the man in question. He stood behind the counter helping a young girl figure out how to use the cash register. Dean watched as Benny turned his head toward the door at the sound of the bell and his face mirrored what Dean thought his own looked like when he saw who stood there… It was as if both had just seen a ghost. Dean couldn’t stop himself as he walked forward with a slow and cautious pace. Could do nothing as he wiped the sweat from his palms and opened and closed his mouth several times trying to figure out what to say. Time near stopped as he approached the counter and in the steadiest voice Dean could muster, he spoke the name allowed.

“B-Benny?”

* * *

Benny stood behind the new Cashier, explaining to her how to run the computerized system that would open the cash-register as well as send order back to the kitchen. First days were always scary- he knew it better than anyone else, so he took his time teaching her all the ins and outs of it all. When he heard the bell ring he smiled.

“You ready to ring up your first order?” She nodded with determination and Benny turned to the door- a smile ready to greet his first costumer of the day and he damn near fell over when he saw who stood in the entry way. He never thought he would see Dean again after all these years. Let alone standing in the Café/restaurant hybrid he had built from the ground up after getting sober when Dean had walked out on him.

Benny felt his heart begin to race as he watched Dean cautiously approach the counter- he damn near smiled when Dean nervously wiped the sweat from the palm of his hands on his jeans, he had to fight the strong urge to start a conversation when he watched Dean struggle to find words to say as he approached the counter.

“B-Benny?” Benny felt himself warm at the sound of Dean’s voice again after so long and couldn’t help the small smile that formed on his lips.

“Hey there, Cher.” The words felt so natural to say and he had a moment of panic course through his veins as he said them aloud. “Cher” was a word he had reserved in his heart for Dean and saying it after so long to the man in question had his mind racing as he wondered if it would be well received.

“Uh… what- what… mhmmm…” Dean cleared his throat in an obvious attempt to quell anxiety and Benny found that adorable. “How are you?”

“Well now I’ve been good- now not trying to sound rude, Dean, but I never thought I’d see ya again. Last I heard you were living in Maine.” Dean gave him a sad smile,

“I was… and then… it didn’t work out, so I moved back here… you work here?” The question came out disbelieving and Benny couldn’t blame him with the way things had ended between the two of them. He nodded proudly and looked around the Café he still had a hard time believing was his.

“Well, Sha, believe it or not I own the place… and depending on the day, head chef as well as proprietor.” He watched Dean’s eyes bug out and Benny couldn’t help the small chuckle that fell past his lips. “Well of all the reactions I wasn’t expectin’ that.” Benny poked fun as Dean looked flustered, reveling that he still had some type of effect on the man.

“Oh no, I mean I didn’t mean it like that!” Dean fumbled, “just like last time I saw you there was a lot of…”

“It’s okay, Dean.” Benny gave a warm smile, “I’m gonna assume you didn’t come here to talk about life. What can I get ya? Amanda you can take a break if you’d like,” the girl nodded and walked into the back and Benny took her place behind the screen.

“Uhhh...” Benny noticed Dean struggling hard with his anxiety and sighed.

“For whatever it’s worth now… I’m sorry for everything.” He murmured, “I can-“

“No, n-not right now… Uhm just give me your favorite coffee on the menu.” Dean got his words out quick,

“De-“

“No,” he said sharply. “Make it to go,”

“I was just gonna ask you if you still do hot coffee with two sugars- that’s all.” Benny understood there was a time and place for everything and right now definitely wasn’t the place to apologize. Dean’s eyes widened,

“Jesus, I’m sorry-“

“It’s okay,” Benny assured. “I shouldn’t… not here, I shouldn’t have done that here. Anyways coffee is coming up,” Benny turned from the counter and took a few calming breaths as he poured the coffee and made it just the way Dean liked before he got a piece of the house made blueberry pie. “Large hot house blend with two sugars no cream, and a piece of house made blueberry pie.”

“I didn’t ask-“

“They’re on the house,” Benny urged to which Dean nodded slowly.

“Thanks….” Benny nodded with a smile,

“No problem,” as Dean began to walk off Benny called out after. “I hope to see you back!” Dean stilled for a minute and turned to him and gave a curt nod before rushing out of the store.

* * *

Dean took his sweet time walking home. He didn’t understand what had just happened. It was karma. Dean yet again had run from his problems… things like that didn’t go unpunished. Not as far as the universe was concerned. Not to mention he hadn’t exactly kept on his promise of maybe working out a friendship with Benny. He packed up his life and moved to Maine the second he could, and he left it at that. The second he saw a phone call from Benny he fuck-you-buttoned him as fast as possible and lost his number for good. He took a sip from his coffee as he pondered what had just happened and he damn near moaned at the flavor. It was… perfect. The combination of nutty and smokey flavors with hints of chocolate and vanilla rolled across his tongue- the coffee was the right temperature and warmed his stomach perfectly as he managed to take a genuine calming breath.

He never expected getting coffee would be so emotionally draining but not every coffee run ended up with him seeing the former love of his life either. The former love of his life who in 7 years had gotten sober and pursued his dreams of opening a café/restaurant hybrid no less. That must be draining on most people. He took another deep breath followed by a sip of coffee and again a moan almost escaped him. Damn was it good coffee.

He had to admit- even with everything that happened between him and Benny and how it ended between them- on some exceedingly small level, it was good seeing him again. He… He had a much harder time with the move than he’d care to admit. Sure- Massachusetts was home but everything now felt so different and new. Change was not something Dean Winchester handled well. Though a trait many people with bipolar had in common with one another he had a large aversion to change. Change scared him and for exceptionally good reasons. From childhood to adulthood it had been drilled into his head that change on any large scale would cause hell in his life. So begrudgingly, Dean admitted to himself the familiarity of the blue eyes that looked at him and in the silky and slow drawl Benny spoke quelled a bit of the anxiety he had felt after uprooting his life… again.

He made it back to his apartment and groaned loudly when he realized his keys were in the house and called Charlie who answered the phone with a sharp “what”. Dean had also forgotten one thing in his thought process- Charlie’s bedtime didn’t work with the rest of the world. And what that meant was simple- if she was woken before 10am everyone better get out and run for the hills. But when the door was ripped open and Charlie saw his state of disarray she frowned.

“What happened?” Dean shook his head and stepped inside and grabbed her into a hug.

“Benny,” he muttered.

* * *

Benny sighed as he watched the Café fill with more and more people- the frown on his face deepening when he realized the new girl, Amanda, he had just hired was struggling a lot with her first day. He wouldn’t hold it against her as the Café was always the talk of the town and many locals and people just passing through stopped day in and day out. It’s definitely overwhelming for a first day employee and he watched her silently as she handled everything as best she could.

He had to admit he had fallen into a funk when Dean had all but ran out of the Café earlier that morning. He didn’t expect a loving reunion where his apologies would be universally accepted, and his past debts and transgression forgiven… but he hadn’t expected the anxiety and panic from Dean either. He hadn’t expected him to be so harsh.

Sure; Dean was a guarded individual and for a particularly good reason, that much was never lost on Benny. But it also wasn’t in Dean’s nature to be rude and crass to someone he didn’t like if they ever crossed paths. Dean was above that kind of petty mellow drama. So- and naturally of course- Benny held a strong air of curiosity about what had been bothering Dean so much about seeing him. Was it because Dean did hate him? And that after all these years the feelings from their relationship could still so easily tarnish anything Benny could present now that would make him a decent human? That the hurt and betrayal he had caused was deep seeded that it made Dean weary of even trusting him to serve him coffee? Or was it something else? Something that Dean couldn’t and wouldn’t speak about… whatever it was, and whatever it may be, Benny had made up his mind.

He would figure out Dean Winchester again- and hopefully in doing that he could rest easy from the guilt he still carried in his heart.

“I’d like to speak to your manager please,” Benny groaned at the words and the sound of the voice that said them as he stepped away from his hiding place in the corner from where he stood watch and marched right over.

“Right here, right here. ‘Manda, darlin, why don’t you go back into the kitchen and start your lunch break and I’ll take over for now. Sound good?” The girl nodded and Benny couldn’t help but feel some heart break as he noticed her eyes starting to brim with tears. Sighing he turned to face the woman who almost every day since they had opened would try to get out of paying for her morning coffee in any way that she could. “You look lovely today, Charlotte.” The woman glared and thrust her coffee in front of her.

“Do you see this?”

“Yes,” Benny answered flatly,

“It’s all wrong. I don’t know who thinks that whole milk goes in soy latte but they should be fire-“

“Look… I’m gonna reason with ya. You do this, every day.” Benny took out a voucher from under the counter and wrote her name on it and handed it to her. “Free beverages for the next year…” he leaned in and whispered, “this is my version of a peace treaty, so you stop harassin’ my employees.” She huffed,

“Make it again, Benny.” He rolled his eyes but took her cup from her and tossed it in the trash before getting her drink made correctly and handing to her with a fake smile.

“Anything else?”

“Hmmph,” she hummed as she turned on her heel and walked off. The fading sound of her Louboutin’s on the tile floor was always music to Benny’s ears. He supposed she wasn’t a terrible woman… but she sure had a way of scaring off his employees. He made sure to brief the next one if Amanda quit of how to handle Charlotte.

After the end of the lunch rush he found Amanda sitting in front of the Café with tear stains on her cheeks which made him sigh quietly.

“I wouldn’t take it personally if ya said you’re not ready for this position yet… I know Charlotte can be a lot.” She nodded and wiped at her eyes,

“I’m just not used to working with front of the house is all,” she muttered with a cigarette hanging between her lips. Benny nodded and started thinking,

“How about this; I’ll change your position to Sous Chef. You can stay on pay roll for the next week for your current position but you can start training next week Monday morning for the new one and take the rest of this week and get ya ducks in a row.” Her eyes widened,

“But-“ Benny waved his hand,

“I own the damn place and have more money than I know what to do with. Darlin, I am always willin’ to help someone if they need it… and ya look like you need it.”

* * *

“I can’t believe it!” Charlie hollered from across the table as Dean shook his head.

“Neither can I,”

“You did the prophetic thing again,” she accused.

“What do you mean by that?” Dean pondered as he started at the box that held his pie with longing. Benny knew him too well.

“The whole thing with how you were thinking about him right before walking into the damn Café that he owns. What do you mean what do I mean?” In truth he had to take a minute to process her sentence. Charlie had a bad tendency to speak faster than most people could listen, and it had taken Dean a good two years into their friendship to stop asking her to repeat herself in conversation.

“Well… Guess shit happens sometimes. I am not prophetic, red.” He said pointedly, “just… intuitive. Because what are the fucking odds, man?” Dean resigned to eating the pie as he flung the lid open and grabbed the plastic fork that was with it. “I see that it’s a Cajun restaurant Café hybrid and of-fucking-course the first damn person that came to mind is the first man I ever loved and suddenly- BOOM- there he is. Sober, put together, and owner of the entire thing.”

“Well-“

“And then!” Dean continued over her as he plopped a piece of pie in his mouth which cut off any tangent about to form. It was delicious. His mouth formed into a silent moan as he shoveled another forkful in.

“And then?” Charlie questioned which caused Dean to pause and try to regain his train of thought.

“Everything went quiet. The whole damn Café didn’t exist, and I got hella tunnel vision. It was like seeing him for the first time all over again and- that freaked me the fuck out, Char. But it’s not the same lovey-dovey-mushy-googoo-eyes type feelings I had that first time around… it was just like… he finally fits how I saw him in my mind all those years ago.” He looked at the tabletop and pursed his lips; clenching and unclenching his jaw several times before he rose slowly from the table and walked to the fridge. “I… I got blindsided. I don’t do surprises. I like my routine very much and of course the one day a week I decide I’m not going to go to Dunkin’s for my morning coffee because Ally at work said I needed to try the damn Café of course turns out to be the biggest shell shocking blast from my sordid past.” Charlie nodded as she watched him rummage through fridge mindlessly. “Did I forget milk?”

“Hey, change of subject boy, un-focus on the dairy and re-focus on the conversation at hand for a sec?” Dean sighed and closed the fridge- realizing just how transparent his actions of deflection truly were. “What do you mean by “he finally fit in my brain the way I saw him” or whatever you said?” Dean looked around the apartment for a few minutes in silence- weighing if moving again so soon would be doable. “Dean?” He shook his head slowly as he tried to figure out how to explain to her exactly just what he meant.

“What I meant is… this- the Benny I saw today- is how I pictured him in my mind years ago. How I wanted him to be back then,” Dean noticed her frown of confusion and rolled his eyes. “Look I really have no other way of explaining it.” She stood from her seat and walked into the kitchen and stood next to him in the middle of the room, an awkwardly silence falling as she waited for him to change the subject or give her a queue to speak- neither of which came.

Dean appreciated Charlie for this. She knew him well enough to not pushed a situation he didn’t want to speak on and or a situation she knew was overwhelming to him. Yet top his surprise she found her voice and in careful words she asked him outright.

“Do you think that maybe you got so shell shocked because you found the very thing you had wanted so badly back then?”

* * *

Benny locked the doors to the Café and sighed heavy as he leaned against the door. His stomach rolled as nausea gripped him and he did his best to not focus on the headache the burst on the inside of his skull. The last few weeks had been… hard to say the least. He had thought at first it was a virus but now? Now he wasn’t quite sure. He rubbed the side of his head as the wave of nausea passed and he managed to make it to his car and into the driver’s seat before he sat there with the doors locked and his fingers massaging his brow bone.

He noticed that whatever was going on was reactive to stress and how much of it had happened through out of the day. He took a few minutes to breathe deeply against the pounding of his skull before he blinked once- twice- three times. He was fooling himself; these headaches didn’t go away at all let alone without the assistance of the bottle of Excedrin migraine which sat on the windowsill that overlooked his sink. He pushed the button to start the engine and took another deep breath as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel.

He couldn’t say he wasn’t concerned about the symptoms he had been having- but he literally didn’t have the time to fuck off and go get himself checked out. He had bills to pay, a business to run and employees that needed wages… and he was in it all alone. So- taking a day off was reserved for when he felt he was about to die, or when the headaches and nausea were bad enough that he couldn’t move from his place in bed.

His knuckles turned white as he put the car in drive and made his way at the slow 30mph that was allowed in the center of town. The police officer was in the vacant parking lot of the town grocery store as usual, and the same streetlight at the corner of Main street and South street still flickered in the dim light of the night. Driving felt less precarious than walking- it didn’t require the same coordination to push the pedal without failing as it did for him to take a successful step without going off kilter.

Yet he found it harder than normal to see the turn up and onto Academy hill- his vision blurred, and nausea gripped him and soon he wasn’t on the road. With a thud his car smashed into stone wall that ran parallel to the road. It groaned and creaked before the engine cut and Benny groaned in pain as his wrist crunched uncomfortably as he moved it from the steering wheel. His heart thrummed hard and heavy in his chest as while his breathing came out in short and jagged breaths. He saw lights flashing behind him and he tried to fumble for his window but only managed to cause more throbbing in his wrist. He felt something warm dripping down his forehead and he didn’t know what it was, but he couldn’t look. The edges of his vision were being reduced to pinholes and it wasn’t long before he slumped forward. The last conscience thing he heard was his door being opened.

* * *

Dean was not thrilled. Sure, he hadn’t been working for UMASS long- but he hadn’t really expected that he would be shipped all around the Worcester county area whenever he was doing ER rotation. Deans anxieties were buried when he worked the ER as it’s fast pace and long hours tended to help keep him consistently distracted. Tonight, Deanhe was glad they had him on rotation at the Leominster hospital- UMASS’ direct affiliate campus located a mere fifteen minutes from Dean’s apartment. He stood at the nurse’s station in a bit of awe at the quiet in the emergency room that night. He knew better than to say anything about it out loud. The second anyone on staff would mention “quiet night” it would suddenly be packed with back to back emergencies.

“Boy it-“

“Don’t say it, Ashley!” Dean said a little loud but the doctor standing with him laughed.

“Come on, Winchester. You can’t believe in that-“

“Oh I do and I hope you’re just busting my balls right now, Mark.” Before the doctor could answer the radio at the desk Buzzed in.

_This is unit_ \- Mark raised an eyebrow at Dean as if to say “told ya” before they both listened.

_ALS. Approximate age 35, gender male. Assessment of scene upon arrival was a car crash and the patient was unconscious upon arrival; likely having lost control of the vehicle in attempt to turn. No information on medical history or illness. Examination of patient revealed trauma to the forehead as well as injury to left wrist. Left lung sounds wet as well as significant bruising to the sternum congruent with vehicular accident. Possible hemorrhaging in abdomen. Bp is 185/120 Blood oxygen in 65% and cannot stabilize. En route to Leominster Hospital- 5 minutes out. ETA approx. 11:37pm._

They got a room ready and they were at the ambulance doors waiting and the moment they pulled up Dean went from himself to Nurse Dean. But what he didn’t expect to see was the man on the stretcher. Because, laid motionless on the stretcher with a bruised and bloodied face was Benny.

* * *

**_God keep my head above water_ **

****

**_I lose my breath at the bottom_ **

****

**_Come rescue me, I’ll be waitin’_ **

****

**_I’m too young to fall asleep_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I a bad person?


	4. Moving Parts Pt.1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Living's like a jigsaw
> 
> And the farther in you go
> 
> If you're missing pieces
> 
> Never really know
> 
> When you're ticking like a timepiece
> 
> On which you can rely
> 
> Wonder why you wind it
> 
> When you're running out of time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hemlo, it is me, the humble author of this story, just an alert this chapter is two parts. I wouldn't have done it but I couldn't get the transition correctly between the end of this chapter and what comes next. So I'm just treating it like a large chapter break because they correlate but they don't quite fit cohesively. Hope this ramble made sense 
> 
> This Chapter is titled "Moving Parts" after the song of the same name by Trixie Mattel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOIFQ2t-lu0

**_Sometimes there’s a danger of choking on the parts_ **

**_No one gave a warning to the breaking of your heart_ **

**_Pick up all the pieces and go back to the start_ **

**_Never losing, only using all your moving parts_ **

**_All your moving parts_ **

* * *

Dean watched the room in silence for a while- reading and rereading the toxicology that came back negative for every substance under the sun. This wasn’t a drunk driving incident like he had immediately thought nor was it under the influence of anything… this was medical. Something was wrong with Benny. His inflammatory levels were through the roof and so were the markers in his blood which indicated to something sinister brewing… but what that sinister was there was no real evidence besides scary blood markers and the fact that a presumably healthy 34 soon to be 35 year old man had passed out behind the wheel of his car while driving.

Dean felt almost obsessive over it. It most definitely did not help that he knew the man at one point and intimately at that. He looked into the room where Benny was still passed out- his vitals a little more stable than they were hours ago but he wasn’t at a place where any of the staff caring for him felt safe enough to leave him without constant observation.

In the last 2 hours they had been able to completely assess the damage he had taken in the accident. His wrist was broken in four places but could be remedied with physical therapy after a little while in a cast. Two of his ribs were also broken. A partially collapsed lung and a bad concussion, one thankfully without any obvious brain damage.

“Winchester?”

“Mmm,” Dean hummed.

“You’re like obsessing over his chart… do you know him?” Dean shook his head.

“Nah,” he lied easily. “But you have to admit it is pretty House MD for a perfectly healthy 34-year-old man to pass out behind the wheel of car and it not being caused by drugs or alcohol.” Dean’s coworker nodded slowly,

“Yeah that definitely isn’t normal,” she agreed. “Can I see his chart? The patient in 2 is crying for her nurse to return and that’s you, bud.” Dean sighed and handed her the chart before making his way the patient’s room. The poor girl- 16 years old and her gallbladder was legitimately dead inside her body.

“Hey, kid. They said you were lookin for me?” She nodded sadly as tears fell from her eyes.

“The morphine stopped working,” she breathed in sharply. “Need something else,” he nodded and left the room and told her doctor.

“Okay, I’ll push an order for fentanyl, go make sure she hasn’t spiked a fever or anything.” Dean made his way back to her room to find her puking. He grabbed a vomit bag off the wall and got it under her mouth- vomit getting on him in the process and he had to take his mind from the situation so he didn’t puke. He called for the doctor who came in with a syringe of what he assumed was Zofran and the retching stopped but the girl was left sobbing.

“We gotta take your temperature, okay? The doc is getting you better pain meds right now, but we need to make sure you aren’t running a fever.” Nodding the girl opened her mouth and Dean got the thermometer in her mouth. Dean watched with some horror as her temperature crawled and by the time it beeped it rested at 105.5°f. He nodded,

“What is it?” She asked weekly, Dean just smiled.

“You got a fever but nothing too bad okay? I’m gonna have my covering nurse come sit with you just to make sure the nausea medicine is working okay and go tell your doctor.” She nodded and Dean immediately sighed as he got out of the room at the fact had seniority. He had his covering nurse go in telling her what was going on and rushed to find the doctor.

“Mark,” he turned to Dean.

“Her pain meds are almost in-“

“She has a 105.5° fever.” He cut in causing the doctor to nod quickly. He ordered antibiotics immediately and handed off the syringe with fentanyl to Dean.

“Get her comfortable, I need to see how fast we can get the on-call Surgeon here.”

* * *

Benny’s eyes slowly opened; he tried to take a deep breath but instead felt a rattling wheeze roll through his chest followed by a stab of pain in his breastbone. He shook his head against the pain only to cause a vicious headache to blossom behind his eyes. Groaning quietly Benny pondered his situation. What had happened? He tried to recall-

“You’re awake,” Benny’s vision was blurry, but he knew the voice instantly.

“Dean?” He croaked; Dean nodded.

“I’ll be right back with your doctor and then I’m gonna be taking you up to your room… I’m glad you’re okay, man.”

“D-Doctor?” Benny couldn’t see if Dean even gave him a nod as he left the room. He fell into silence. What had happened? He couldn’t recall. He remembered saying goodbye to Dean that morning and on a bittersweet note and then… nothing. Now he was in what he presumed to be a hospital with the sounds of heart monitors beeping and the familiar and rather uncomfortable ache of an IV in his hand. Benny blinked a few more times and noticed a man was standing in the doorway with a frowning Dean.

“Mr. Lafitte, glad to see you awake.” The doctor said, Benny nodded.

“Now… not to sound like a crazy person but how did I end up here?” The doctor stepped farther into his room and began to explain everything that had happened which if Benny was honest made his already swimming head spin.

“We have your bed ready- Winchester is gonna take you up there in a few minutes here.”

“Wh-what…” Benny let go of a nasty sounding cough and he did his best not scream at the pain behind his breastbone or how it felt like someone took a sledgehammer to his ribs. “What is wrong with me doc?” The doctor shook his head. “Well, Doc, if television has taught me anything it’s that prolonged silence is never a good thing.” Benny blinked back tears as he looked at Dean and then back to the doctor hoping one of them would speak.

“Well… we don’t know. Until the rheumatologist from UMASS calls back the only thing we can tell you for sure is you were having an adrenal crisis.” Benny raised an eyebrow- waiting for further explanation but the doctor only shook his head- tipping benny off to the fact that this wasn’t something the man dealt with on the daily.

“Your adrenal glands aren’t functioning properly- and it caused them to short circuit in a sense. These crisis’ are extremely common- and are rarely caught. They usually end up properly treated unknown to the doctors here in the emergency room with Solumedrol or Decadron- which are IV steroids.” Taking a painful breath in he looked past the doctor into the hallway. He hated hospitals.

“Any chance I could get something for pain before you send me off to my room?” Benny mumbled quietly, feeling a bit of shame in asking. Hell, he had broken his leg three years before and hadn’t so much as asked for anything stronger than Tylenol- seeing he didn’t trust himself worth of shit when it came to controlled substances.

“Of course- I’ll put in the order now,” giving a curt nod he walked out of the room which left Benny and Dean in an awkward silence.

“Well I sure as hell didn’t think these would be the circumstances, I’d be seeing you again.” Benny said- ignoring the painful rattling in his chest. “Here I thought I’d be seein’ you at the Café tomorrow mornin’.” Dean nodded and cracked a small smile,

“Well, we never really met up under normal circumstances anyhow.” He walked farther into the room, “look… I’m sorry about how I left things today.” Benny waved a dismissive hand,

“Don’t sweat it, darlin’. I deserve every nasty thing you can throw at me.”

* * *

It was quiet after the doctor had given Benny a suspiciously powerful pain medication and quickly after something for the nausea. He looked around the hospital room and slight daze as he watched the sun rise. He hadn’t even known it was late into the night when he had woken. The situation scared him more than he’d ever care to admit. 

“Well it’s good to see ya awake and aware.” Benny jumped a little as he turned to face a nurse who had no doubt seen the state he was in when he was brough to his room. “That nurse who brought you up here was really worried about you.” Dean? Worried about Benny? The world must have gone of axis when he had gotten into the car crash. The car crash that he had no memory of.

“So why is it I can’t seem to remember almost my entire day yesterday til I woke up earlier?”

“Ummm, I’m not sure, I can send your Doctor in if you’d like?” Benny nodded,

“That’d be nice thank you…” So Benny waited, and waited, and waited some more. What felt like hours- in part due to the medication- a short woman with long brown hair highlighted blonde stepped into his room,

“Mr. Lafitte?”

“Yes,” Benny croaked and quite literally so.

“I’m Dr. Masters, I’ll be takin care of ya today. Sandy said you had some questions for me?”

“Just a few things,” Benny began slowly. In five minutes of slow conversation he had remembered his partially collapsed lung as well as his broken ribs. Irony most certainly wasn’t lost on him when they the doctor had said he likely was suffering from retrograde-amnesia- which is why he couldn’t remember most of his day leading up to the accident.

“Well… I sure hope I don’t forget any of that this time.” Dr. Masters sighed,

“Mr. Lafitte if you do forget some things don’t beat yourself up for it either.” She locked eyes with him and in a stern voice spoke slower. “Memory problems and traumatic brain injury are normal. No need to be feeling so embarrassed if you can’t remember something- let alone things a doctor told you mere minutes after waking up from being unconscious for 4 hours.” Benny nodded,

“Noted. Thank you.”

* * *

Dean walked sluggishly towards his locker; the squeaking of his rubber soled sneakers against the polished linoleum tiles was doing little to keep him out of his head. He didn’t think he would ever be used to overnights in the emergency room. There was rarely time to sit and less time to take any type of break. Wrap that all up into the fast paced and literal life or death situations you might find a nurse with any sense of self trapped in their head at the end of the night. And said nurse almost smacked face first into his locker in a thoughtful daze.

Hazily he reached up and began to fumble with the locker combination he had been given the night before. One, two, three, four- he lost count of how many times he repeated the code. With a huff of frustration and indignance he tried once more. The satisfying clicks of the latch coming loose and the telltale pop as it retracted gave Dean some pause. _Deep breaths, man_ he thought. _You can’t lose your shit like this at work, come on. Make it home._ He heaved a few deep breaths as he reigned in his anger. _Mania: 0 Dean: 1_ He felt a small triumph as he overcame the small burst of anger that always tipped him off to the beginning of a manic episode. Grabbing his duffle with his clothes he quickly changed and threw his smocks into the bag as he hummed quietly; any floaty/tired feelings having drift away, quickly replaced by the familiar raciness that always visited when the grips of mania took him.

He made sure no one had saw his near outburst before gently closing his locker and making his way to the back-parking lot and to his car. He wondered why the mania had chosen such an odd time to strike. Well… he really didn’t need to wonder. Seeing Benny so broken had stirred every buried emotion in Dean. The buried emotions he had thought were long since dead.

When it came to being bipolar- regardless of how well the symptoms are treated. Emotional overload was preeminent in causing mania.

He shook his head. The emotions weren’t exactly ones of romanticism- but more ones that brought out a nurturing instinct in Dean, even more so than any other patient had ever been able to pull from him. It was a raw and strange emotion that had nearly taken over when he had left Benny in his hospital room- one that said he needed to be the one to take care of him. The same thing that had kept him in their relationship all those years back. He wanted to see him _better_. 

Putting his car in drive and taking a rather cautious look around the parking lot, Dean drove off. The gloom of the early morning when the sun began to peak above the horizon was Dean’s favorite time of day… even when the day began with no sleep. He took his time getting home. Driving through the two towns that laid between Leominster and Westminster, having decided somewhere along the way the full scenic route home would be better on his mind than the hyper focus that driving on the highway would take. Arriving back at his apartment twenty minutes later than when he had told Charlie he would be back the night before, Dean killed the engine and sat in the driveway staring at his phone with some earnest.

He grabbed for the sandwich of glass and metal before making a phone call. ]

“Bobby?” 

* * *

Benny sighed as he took shaky steps over to the window of his room and looked out and over the parking lot. He had developed a deep hatred of hospitals after the overdose that led to his sobriety had left him in a quite literal purgatory he could recall with a scary level of clarity. As he managed to perch himself on the ledge he yelped as his broken ribs reminded him of their existence.

“God damn it that don’t feel good,” he reminded himself as of right now deep breaths would only hurt him in more ways than one. With a begrudging sigh he stood again and walked slowly to the door of his room and peaked out into the hallway. He tried to leave but immediately his nurse was at his door and he groaned in annoyance.

“Mr. Lafitte,” the nurse chided. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen somebody with your injuries try to get up and walk around.” She guided him back to his bed and helped him sit. Upon hearing his wheezing and the audible rattling in his chest she frowned. “Looks like it is time for your nebulizer, sweetpea.”

“I-“

“Now don’t sass me. The quicker you listen and stay in that bed til the doctor says it’s okay the sooner you will be better and the faster you will be back home,” grumbling his acknowledgement Benny leaned back in bed and bit his cheek as the pain in his ribs reminded him yet again that he indeed was worse off than he was allowing himself to accept. The nurse noticed this and sighed heavy,

“Let me get you something for the pain and your nebulizer treatment and I’ll be right back in.” With no other word she left him alone, nothing but his thoughts to lull his mind which tried to figure out why the hell all this had happened. He… he thought he was healthy, he really did. Sure, feeling as sick as he did for as long as he did wasn’t normal. The sick feeling reacting to stress wasn’t normal… Nothing about it was _normal_ but he hadn’t paid it mind. His doctor had come back in, asking him if he had been having nausea and muscle aches, headaches and brain fog, random fevers and loss of appetite and as she went through the list Benny had to stop his face from falling as he realized he had indeed had all these symptoms and had ignored them with gusto.

He shook his head, a little too fast and the headache from his concussion returned with ferocity. A rueful sneer formed on his lips. He really could have avoided all of this. The apparent car accident he couldn’t remember. The anxiety that was welling in his body with each passing second. All of it could have been avoided if he had listened to his body for once and that it wasn’t just a regular illness.

Alas here he lay, almost literally trapped within the confines of the hospital room. The beeping of machinery and the occasional sounds of others groaning in pain were the only noises that seemed to meet his ears as what else was there to focus on?

“Mr. Lafitte,” snapping away from his thoughts he looked to the door and saw his nurse followed by someone else. “This is Dr. Talbot, she’s the rheumatologist from UMASS that the emergency room had contacted last night.”

“Good to meet ya,” Benny muttered as he watched the nurse moved to his side with two syringes. The first one went in fast and he felt nothing. The second one made him physically grasp the side of the bed as a sinking sensation spread through his body.

“Lovely to meet you,” she said back as the nurse hooked up the nebulizer to a mask that she fitted over Benny’s face.

“Just so you can talk with the doctor while you get the medicine,”

“Thank you, Sandy.” The nurse gave a small smile to Benny before she left them be. “So, from what I’ve heard you have had a rough last 14 hours.” Benny waved a hand in dismissal of what she had said.

“I feel like it would be worse if I could actually remember anything after 12:30 yesterday afternoon.”

“Touché,” she said in agreement. “However, Dr. Masters tells me you have been asking for answers all day. Is that right?” Benny gave a slow nod as he focused on his breathing.

“That’d be correct,” she nodded slowly and took a seat next to his bed before removing her glasses and focusing on him with a type of cold earnest that told Benny whatever news she was about to give him wasn’t going to be good.

“Well, after consulting with Endocrinologist that I work closely with we both determined the adrenal crisis was caused by Addison’s Disease… which is when your adrenal glands don’t function properly.” Benny sat there; motionless he tried to think of something else to abate the anxiety he was feeling. “Ermm… the doctor who was overseeing you upon arrival early this morning was a lot more concerned about your inflammatory markers and Eosinophil levels in your blood. The last round of blood work you had done was a full panel.”

“I hate to sound like a dick but cut to the chase,” he pleaded. “I swear this doctor talk is gonna give me a damn heart attack.”

“You have Systemic Lupus, Mr. Lafitte, and you’ve likely had it most of your adult life.” Benny let go of a bark of laughter that caused him to wince but it was either laugh or cry and he was so close to crying in front of this woman he decided saving face was a better option.

“I-I can’t have-“

“You do,” she interjected. “It’s never an easy pill to swallow that you are sick-“

“Oh that must be what you tell all the boys,” the disbelieving tone in his voice couldn’t be helped. He felt a tear fall from his eye and collect on the edge of the nebulizer mask.

“Mr. Lafitte-“

“I- C-can I have a minute?”

“Of course… and when your ready to talk just hit your call button.”

* * *

**_Living’s supposed to kill you_ **

**_But it shouldn’t feel like dying_ **

**_Loving’s supposed to fill you_ **

**_But it spills like your wine_ **

**_All the paper people_ **

**_Wandering about_ **

**_Wondering who made ‘em_ **

**_And who’s gonna cut ‘em out_ **

**Author's Note:**

> Hope yall enjoyed


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